Fuck Happiness

Yeah, the title is correct. Fuck being happy. I feel so far from it. I can’t remember the last time where I truly felt happy. I don’t mean happiness driven from buying something or having eaten something. I mean happy as being able to really believe that overall, you are in a happy state of life.

The last time I thought I was happy was April 1, 2019. I know the exact date because that’s when I went into metirement. Unfortunately, that happiness didn’t last too long. Before I knew it, I was back to feeling lost, hateful, angry, frustrated, suicidal, and just overall being a person trying to hide my negative vibes. I thought by hiding from them and not showing the world my current reality, that I’d trick the world and eventually myself that I am positive and happy.

When I find that I’m not happy, it makes me feel like having to chase it. Someone recently asked me if I’m chasing a rainbow. That’s exactly it. My pot of gold is that elusive feeling of happiness.

But fuck that. I’m tired of chasing it. I’m tired of looking for a way to get closer to it. It’s exhausting, and ironically, that exhaustion makes me even more frustrated with myself, which pushes me further down. So fuck you, happiness. Fuck you and fuck everyone that keep telling me to just “think positive thoughts” and to “let things go.” Those comments make me feel like I’m doing something wrong, which makes me feel even worse. Thanks, but no thanks.

I’m going to embrace these negative feelings I have right now. I’m going to talk about it, understand, digest, learn from it. And eventually, I think I will come to love them. I have no idea what happens after that. Maybe then I’ll be happy? Maybe. But if not, it’s not a big deal because that’s not my goal anymore. My goal is just to understand the feelings and accept it as they come.

This feels, to me, like some form of amor fati. Is it fate that I have come to this point in my life? Is this my fault? Is this the world’s fault? Is it God? Whatever, or whoever it is that brought me to this point, I’m going to learn to accept it and deal with the things I actually have control over. Right now, I have control over my literal next steps so I’m just going to start there. I’m going to push “Publish” and then grab a coffee. Sounds pretty damn good to me.

Desire for things you can control

To continue on with Aurelius thoughts, the one today is related to things you can control. I have a post-it to remind me to focus on things that I can control. Aurelius goes one step further to say to only desire what you can control.

This makes more sense to me as life goes on. I used to, or still, crave money. I want to be rich. But the more I pursued it, the more I hated my life and what I’ve become. Now, I want to only really focus on what I can control, which is at the moment, what kind of work I want to do, what kind of person I want to become starting now.

Most things are out of our control. A friend of mine even thinks at an extreme that maybe there is no such thing as free will anymore. I can see his point of view now. Even our own thoughts and actions may have been driven from years of social constructs or our guardians or the drive for money. And those are all driven by others, who were subconsciously driven by other actions around them. I could fall into a total rabbit hole thinking about this driving myself nuts. But I will not, because if there’s one thing I can control, it’s my thoughts right now, this second.

I’m not saying I can control my thoughts. If anything, I can’t control it at all. It bounces from one thought to another, from one place to another, whether I like it or not. Even writing this short piece, I’ve already checked my email twice, and looked up 100 times as people, or some random piece of object, float by.

It’s something i need to work on. Not only that, but I need to focus and understand and love whatever happens to me. Which floats back to my current favorite saying, amor fati. Amor fati, my friends.

Shrug Off the Value Judgements

For the past 100+ days, when I come to write a post, I sit and ponder what the title should be. This made sense when I was writing about my Southeast Asia trips since I knew exactly what I was going to write about: a specific day from two years ago.

Since then, I’ve struggled to write anything substantive. I randomly write down a thought hoping it’ll become something interesting. I’m trying something new today, where I’m ” not adding a title, and just writing. In the end, it could come to something?

Maybe something better would be to write about what I want to do, or have accomplished, or have moved the needle on. Something that popped to mind is to write about a quote or idea from Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. I’ve been wanting to start my mornings by reading and digesting from a passage of Meditations. I suppose I could do this by first actually reading Meditations. Or by first trying to read in the morning. I gave up that practice a few weeks ago. I couldn’t keep up that habit. Come to think of it, I’ve broken every habit I’ve been attempting to make since the beginning of the year. The only habit I’ve continued to “do” is to write this blog. I put that in quotations because there have been several days or even weeks where my posts were single sentences written just to say i’ve written something for the day. Pretty weaksauce in my opinion. A reader would feel the same in my humble opinion.

I don’t have Meditations on me since I’m in Utah. And the reason why this actually popped to mind is because I got Darius Fox’s email for the day. He talks about Marcus Aurelius and the three rules that he lives by. You can read it here. I’m taking a page from his book by writing about Aurelius. And I’m going to directly take from his page the first rule that Aurelius speaks of.

“Suppress the value-judgment, and the ‘I’ve been hurt’ is also suppressed. Suppress the ‘I’ve been hurt,’ and the harm is suppressed.” (Book IV, 7)

We all make judgements, whether we want to or not. What I take from this quote is that it’s up to us to react to the value-judgement that comes from the event. It seems to follow the latin phrase “amor fati”- we make the best out of our situation. Maybe the event was I got cut off by a LA driver. I can add value-judgement to that event by thinking it made me angry. But really, that does no good. What can I do with that thought? It’ll just drive me to be more angry, or even worse, maybe I retaliate and cut him off. Or cut someone else off because I’m upset. That judgement has taken control of me. Instead, I could suppress the value-judgement and just let it be “pure” as Darius Foroux says. It happened, and I’ll shrug it off. Amor Fati, my friend.

My Own Path

I just gave my 1 month notice to my employer. I feel great. I am on cloud 9. I have nothing planned for the future. In the last couple months I thought I would move to Singapore, Australia, Vietnam, San Francisco, Chicago, or DC. I also thought I’d hike the Pacific Coast Trail. I thought I’d just travel for a few months.

Almost everyone told me to find a job before I quit. That i’d be even more stressed without having anything lined up. And yes, that is true. In fact, I think the most important thing to remember here is that no matter how happy or relieved I feel now, there will come a time when I am just as miserable as I was yesterday.

Such is life. Life is sorrowful and leads to disorder if left to its own devices. Which is odd, since in order for life to start, there needed to be atoms that randomly decided to organize themselves to create the first cell. And those cells had to merge to eventually become the first organism. Strange, eh?

I’m leaving this job on my own terms. My entire life, I’ve gotten input for every major decision I’ve made. And I made them without thinking about the most important thing. What do I want to do and will it make me happy? Moving forward, I will make decisions with my input being the highest value. And if it goes south, then I will deal with it. If it goes north, then I will deal with it. Life will continue moving whether you’re going with the current, against the current, or slumped underwater begging for it all to stop.

Living is not easy. At all. As I was growing up, I thought it was supposed to get easier. When i’m considered cool and have lots of friends. When I get a job. When I get promoted. When I make more money. When I manage a team. After I travel. After I find a girlfriend. After I move to some new city.

It never got easier. It only got worse. I was fighting battles for all the wrong reasons… for what society and culture have trained me to think was being successful.

Not anymore. Everything I’ve done has lead me to this point and I accept that. This was my fate, if you will. Every decision I made, right or wrong, I did it and it brought me here. To this very moment of writing some long ass blog that maybe a few people will read.

I quit living life for others and being consumed by what others think. I’m going to start finding out what it means to live for myself. And if I have to start by quitting and being an unemployed 35 year old single guy having no idea who he is, then so be it. Amor fati, my friends. I’m moving outside my well. (HA, you like that plug???)