I am putting up a post, for the sake of the post. Will this count as a blog note? Probably not. Well, I guess it would since I’m posting it anyways. By the way, what the ef is a blog note? I just made it up.

I’m trying this new idea of free writing on a day to day basis. I normally hand write in a journal, but today I’ll be trying it out on the computer. The hardest thing about freeform writing on a computer, for me personally, is that making corrections is so easy. You just hit the delete button and voila, everything is a blank new slate. And, my mind just jumps everywhere so i can write about anything and quite quickly. Like just now, I’m not even sure what exactly I am writing about, what the subject is, or more, what the point of this is, but i’m just writing. It makes no sense, but I suppose this is what my mind sounds like if someone were to be listening somewhere.

As my funemployment continues on, I’ve realized that I’m anxious about something even though I have nothing to be anxious about. It seems like worries really never go away. In fact, it seems that worries, concerns, responsibilities, etc. are all what make up this thing we are in called “life.” How unfortunate. No, that’s not right. How FORTUNATE. All the things that we think about, that we care about, that we give a fuck about, are the things that make up your life. Your day to day, your plans, your friends, conversations, thoughts… these become your memories. And memories, in the end, is just life. Right? Maybe this makes sense, maybe this doesn’t.

Maybe I come back in a year and read this and wonder how could I write and publish this openly for anyone to read? But for real, let’s be honest, James. You don’t have to worry about that. Who cares if someone reads this and thinks “wow, your writing sucks.” Because honestly, you’ve been writing for a very short period of time, and even more honestly, who gives a fuck what that person thinks? If I’m learning anything as I get older, I’m learning that everyone has their own opinion, and mine’s the most important to me.

Ugh, I just erased a lot of my own writing when I pressed the back button too often. Oh well.

It always annoyed me when I got some philosophical bullshit “there is no spoon” response to any question. What the hell is that supposed to mean anyways? That the world is actually not real and we’re all plugged into a machine imagining a bending spoon?

Yes, I learned eventually that the boy was trying to tell Neo that everything was in the mind. It was easy for me to nod my head along in agreement saying “oh yeah, totally. Everything is the mind. It all makes sense now.” But really, it didn’t make any sense to me.

That’s why I came back from my Southeast Asia trip wondering why everything felt exactly the same. My San Francisco world didn’t change at all while I was gone. And finally, months later, it clicked. I was still holding onto a damn spoon. I was expecting to return with a complete different view on the world, a deeper understanding that “there is no spoon.”

But really, now, I get that to understand this phrase, it’s a perspective change. It really is in the mind. I left hoping, wishing, praying that I’d have this miraculous perspective change when my head wasn’t willing to change at all. No matter how differently I wanted to view something, it was still my same mind processing everything.

I’m blabbing, this is very long winded, so I’m just going to stop for today. This is the beauty of writing for myself. This isn’t making any more sense to me, therefore, it must really be confusing for you. Let’s try again tomorrow.