Here’s a thought. It’s morning. I’m drinking my coffee. Thinking about what to write about. Thinking, what’s just a thought to write about? At the same time, I’m listening to music and also have the Tigers game the tube. And writing on the computer means I have access to my email, fantasy team, chat, and random articles that I wanted to read.

I’m not present at all. There’s so much going on in my mind, even in the morning. Even if I want to quiet it down to just one thing, I have way too much elsewhere. My mind has gone through years of thinking that multi tasking was a good thing. And now I’ve forgotten how to think about a single thought. I think that one morning I can wake up and change years of thinking in one day.

It’s more difficult than I thought. Even typing this, I feel my mind being pulled in other directions. It’s tough not to give into those other distractions. I think I can sit down and write something so easily, without worrying about anything. Now that I’m actually doing it, it seems ridiculous that I thought this would be some simple exercise.

But what I am learning is that taking a simple step, taking action, actually writing helps me focus. It’s gradual, but it’s happening. I’ll slowly reprogram my mind to remember this and come back to operating on single thoughts.

I haven’t made writing a priority. I promise, I’ll write something in the morning tomorrow. I’ll do it as soon as I pour myself a cup of coffee.

Happy Easter Sunday to those who celebrate Easter. And happy day to anyone else that doesn’t. Either way, it’s another gorgeous day in Los Angeles. One of the benefits of living in this patch of fertile desert is having blue skies almost everyday. I find it difficult to be motivated to stay inside an office all day with the skies so blue all year around. Well, here’s to another day anyways. Cheers.

I was thinking of how late I was to post today, thinking that I’m not even close to writing every single day. But you know what? I’m going to switch my thinking to say “I made it today! Even though it’s almost 10pm at night and I didn’t write this morning, at least I posted!”

Making even that small mental switch makes me feel great!

I’ll be honest. I was ready to write this morning. I was ready to just type away at the keyboard. Then I opened my email and read up on baseball. It was all downhill from there.

I realized my fantasy baseball team is 0 and 2 and I really needed to make some moves. I spent the next few hours looking at players and teams to make a trade. As much as fantasy baseball frustrates me, it also brings me a lot of joy. Joy not because of winning games, but more so from the community. There’s a group of us who have been playing for several years, and it’s nice to know that I can reach out to any of them to chat baseball.

Nooo! I forgot to hit publish last night! But i shall forgive myself. ha.

I want to try writing a post every morning instead of waiting for the night. Actually, let’s make things easier and say that I want to make a post before 6pm. That’s a more reasonable goal considering I don’t even have time to finish this post now since I have to leave soon.

Also, I want to read in the morning. Looks like I just have to either clear my mornings or just start waking up earlier to be actually present enough and have a clear mind to write and read. Let’s try that.

I’ve been reading a lot lately. Not as much as I used to in New York, but definitely more than San Francisco. I finished The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck today. There were parts of the book that made me feel as if it was screaming out to me. The BIG take away for me is this: I’ve been living an entitled, narcissistic life!

For a long time I always thought my problems were unique and that no one understood me. Maybe I’m not a full blown crazy entitled narcissist, but bottom line is that I thought I was somehow different. But I’m not. Wow. Eye opener, gut punching, knock the wind out of myself type revelation. And that makes me feel so comfortable. Whew.

I’ve struggled to live. Still struggling to live. I’ve struggled to die. Still struggling to die. It seems the same to me, the way that I’ve lived, or not died.

I move from event to event, thought to thought, conversation to conversation. It’s all the same and not the same. I’m in a place looking to find some way to a purpose in life, for my own purpose to be alive. The more I push myself to find this “purpose”, the further away it seems to be. Sometimes I feel like it’s in the palm of my hands, that I just have to grasp and hold onto it, that I’d finally have it all figured out. When i close my hand, anxiously waiting to feel life in my grip, it slips away.

Am I afraid to die? Or am I afraid to live. I’m terrified to die. I’m more terrified to live. Death is inevitable for all of us. It’ll be here one day, whether we like it or not. Even in this modern world where life duration seems to be extending, death will find us all. Whether it physical or mental, it’ll happen. I want to understand that. I think that will help me to understand what it’s like to really live.

Social media sucks. I just came onto wordpress to write a post, and the first thing I checked was to see if I got any ‘likes’ from my previous posts. WHY? I’ve been brain washed into thinking validation was needed by someone clicking a “like” button. It takes literally a second to click that. Lame. Is it time to delete social media? And if so, do blogs count as social media posts??