Note: This blog reads super depressing, but it ends with my motivation to live in the present, to spend it in Alive Time.

Just read this article about Alive Time vs. Dead Time. It reminded me of one of the last jobs. I spent hours in a mental dead state at this place. The company may have had a future at some point and some great people, but it wasn’t the right fit for me. I became disconnected with everyone, especially with the CEO and the board members. The worst had happened to me there- I had given up faith and trust in them. I can’t say that I was the only one. I know the rest of our company felt the same. Due to this, I went into a vegetative state for several months. What was the point of putting in any effort at work when even the higher ups seemed to not care? It became a very toxic environment and pushed my mental state beyond even working banking hours for three years in SF.

Don’t get me wrong, I still put in effort where it was needed. However, as the months dragged on, I became more of an empty shell with no motivation to fight on. I imagined that this is what it’d feel like to have a dementor suck out your soul. Except it dragged on for months more than I care to remember.

Thinking back, I know that I could have spent those months as “Alive Time” and developed myself in other valuable ways. In hindsight, I am kicking myself knowing that I should have been like Ryan Holiday and start to actually read up a storm instead of what I did, which was to buy books and not read them. (The Japanese actually have a word for this: tsundoku. This has no point, just the point that they have a word and I find it incredibly interesting.)

Instead, I spent months in Dead Time. Mentally and physically rotting away. But I guess I needed it. I’m convinced that it happened that way for a reason. I have no idea what that reason is, and I’m not going to spend more time trying to figure that out. Thinking about why I was depressed, miserable, hateful keeps putting me back into a dark place. I know I’ll still have to fight falling into the negative trap, but I feel more at peace with what happened in the last couple years. I definitely was in Dead Time during the last couple years, maybe even longer! I feel as if I’m finally breaking free. It makes me feel more Alive than I ever have in a long, long time. It’s just another thing I’ve learned during metirement, and I am truly grateful. Thank you.