Note: This blog reads super depressing, but it ends with my motivation to live in the present, to spend it in Alive Time.

Just read this article about Alive Time vs. Dead Time. It reminded me of one of the last jobs. I spent hours in a mental dead state at this place. The company may have had a future at some point and some great people, but it wasn’t the right fit for me. I became disconnected with everyone, especially with the CEO and the board members. The worst had happened to me there- I had given up faith and trust in them. I can’t say that I was the only one. I know the rest of our company felt the same. Due to this, I went into a vegetative state for several months. What was the point of putting in any effort at work when even the higher ups seemed to not care? It became a very toxic environment and pushed my mental state beyond even working banking hours for three years in SF.

Don’t get me wrong, I still put in effort where it was needed. However, as the months dragged on, I became more of an empty shell with no motivation to fight on. I imagined that this is what it’d feel like to have a dementor suck out your soul. Except it dragged on for months more than I care to remember.

Thinking back, I know that I could have spent those months as “Alive Time” and developed myself in other valuable ways. In hindsight, I am kicking myself knowing that I should have been like Ryan Holiday and start to actually read up a storm instead of what I did, which was to buy books and not read them. (The Japanese actually have a word for this: tsundoku. This has no point, just the point that they have a word and I find it incredibly interesting.)

Instead, I spent months in Dead Time. Mentally and physically rotting away. But I guess I needed it. I’m convinced that it happened that way for a reason. I have no idea what that reason is, and I’m not going to spend more time trying to figure that out. Thinking about why I was depressed, miserable, hateful keeps putting me back into a dark place. I know I’ll still have to fight falling into the negative trap, but I feel more at peace with what happened in the last couple years. I definitely was in Dead Time during the last couple years, maybe even longer! I feel as if I’m finally breaking free. It makes me feel more Alive than I ever have in a long, long time. It’s just another thing I’ve learned during metirement, and I am truly grateful. Thank you.

WHY is it so hard. Why? I suppose anything worth doing is going to take effort. I apparently do not want to give effort into this because I expect to magically be able to write something. I also think that I can magically wake up at 4am, be sharp and read a book, write a short blog, and then be out the door by 4:30 to catch a 6am flight. Oh, and I thought I could do all this when falling asleep somewhere between 12:30 to 1am. No, James. That is just silly. Maybe after a thousand times you’d be able to do this because you’d be in cruise control, but you’re still trying to get to Day 1.

Which then kinda brings me to a question I have. What does happen on these days where I have to wake up super early to get to somewhere? But then I get to think, is this “get to somewhere” nonsense all just an excuse? Cause in the end, life will always happen and there will always be days where something “needs” to get done. If I can’t prioritize what I think is important for myself, than I’ve already lost metirement.

I refuse to believe that though. I am enjoying life right now. I’m in Seattle contracting for a company that has a pretty good culture. Also, the buddy I’m working for is actually a legit boss. I’ve already learned a few things from him by just watching him lead meetings. It feels really good to be in a position where I can learn from the leaders around me. Not only that, but the team I’m working for is pretty solid.

I’m enjoying life at the moment, and I’m enjoying metirement. I’ll get to writing soon. It’ll come. I’m beginning to slowly feel different about things. I can’t explain it quite well, probably cause I’m for one, not entirely sure what it even is, but also cause… I don’t know how to explain it? I dont know. I can sense myself becoming frustrated with how many things I want to accomplish and things i have yet to do. I do feel like i’m urgently missing time by just sitting here and typing about some stupid feeling. At the same time, it feels important to write this all out. It feels important to feel those negative feelings rush out, but more importantly to understand them. Where do they come from? Why do they come this quickly?

I’m beginning to understand things a bit more. It’s funny though, cause as I understand things a bit more, I understand a lot of other things a bit less.

Maybe life isn’t about trying to “figure it out.” It seems more that life is just about living it, as in actually and moving, versus just sitting around hoping that you’ll figure shit out. You just keep on moving and worry about you. Life will figure itself out.