I had lunch today at an Indian restaurant in Aonang Krabi. My server, Anon, who I pegged as the owner, took my order. I first ordered the butter chicken and then asked about the chicken tawa. He said, “I suggest you order the tawa. You will absolutely love it.” And he was right. I absoluately enjoyed the meal.

I began to wonder how he stated so matter of factly that I would like the chicken tawa dish. It’s very similar to butter chicken, so I think that could be a good reason. But how could he recommend it with such confidence. When I worked as a server, I don’t think I have ever recommended any dish the way he did. What if a dish I recommended ends up not being good that day? What if the customer does not like it?

I’ve been thinking a lot about self confidence during this trip. I’ve come to realize that I truly lack it. I don’t know how to accept any type of compliments and most of the time, I inwardly wonder if their comment is even true. I want to become confident in myself, in a humble manner. I dislike arrogance and I was once told that my head was too big. Maybe it started an internal struggle to understanding what the difference was between being confident in oneself and being an arrogant ass.

Anyways, self confidence came into play during this year’s fantasy baseball draft. Over the last 4 or 5 years, one of my big rules was to never overreach for any player. I want to be fairly close to each player’s average draft position. I figure that’s the safest way to get the best value during the draft. So I never reached for players, even if I really liked them. I wondered however, why I never felt strong enough to pick a player ahead of their ADP. If I was confident in what the player could do during the season, shouldn’t their draft position be much higher than what others think? This lead me to realize that I’m not confident in my knowledge of fantasy baseball to have a strong opinion on anyone. Hence why I never really take risks during drafts. I know there is no close correlation to fantasy baseball and reality, but for me, this analogy made some sense.

This year, without even realizing, I decided to forget my ADP method and pick up players I thought would do well even if it meant having to reach for them ahead of their ADP. I ended the draft feeling horrible. I got players I liked, but my team looks horrible. I’m already thinking I’ll have to fight to not be last place. Since I was drafting in Southeast Asia, the draft was in the morning, so I had all day to critique my draft. This was the first time I had thrown ADP out the window and reached for players multiple rounds ahead of where I’d normally draft them. I was more anxious this draft than in previous years. I was putting confidence in the research I had done ahead of time to the ultimate test. Next year, I need to somehow evaluate the players in my own way (not listening to just fantasy experts online) and come up with a better drafting strategy.

I know that building a fantasy baseball team is not really a big way to increase, or maybe even analyze, one’s self confidence, but I thought it was an interesting analysis about myself. I actually am not sure how to build self confidence, but I’m going to start off with fantasy baseball. Because what’s the worst that can happen? I lose in fantasy? Better here than in reality.

In the meantime, we’ll see how this season goes. Maybe I’ll somehow get a boost of confidence in six months.

EDIT and posted on 2019.01.30. In the 2017 season, I finished 6th place with a 10-12 record. I was given the “most unlucky team” of the year award. I should feel great about this result considering how I thought I didn’t draft well at all. Shrug.